An update on my quasi-sabbatical

Querida Amiga,

I have a confession to make. I am about 8 weeks into my quasi-sabbatical and last week was the first week I respected the time that I set aside on my calendar to rest and reflect. 

With all the moving pieces from work and setting up my new home, I have allowed myself to keep functioning in doing mode. Even though this is supposed to be my season of learning what it’s like to be in being mode.

A sense of urgency for all things has left me acting like I don’t have control in my life. I finally hit a wall last week and realized none of this is slowing down because I am not making the choice to slow down.

I finally had to stop and reset my intentions for my quasi-sabbatical the next couple of months. 

For the past week, I intentionally scheduled less on my calendar, shut my computer down for blocks at a time, and started spending time with myself. I focused on providing space for activities that help me to slow down (meditating, journaling, coloring, etc.).

There is a reason I was subconsciously choosing to keep moving and not slow down. In periods of rest, memories start to creep back into our consciousness. These memories can be uncomfortable and we anticipate that, so we keep moving to avoid any opportunity to grapple with what lies under the surface.

These memories can be hard to sit with. Maybe they will require labor from us to process and understand. We would have to sit with who we are now in relationship to those memories.

As I finally have started to slow down, memories I was subconsciously suppressing have been floating to the surface. Specifically memories of interactions with people and patterns in how I express care or withhold it from certain people. As I recall them, I don’t always like who I have been in those interactions at various points in my life.

As I sit with all of this, I am starting to unpack. Where did that behavior come from? What was I trying to protect myself from with those people? How did I think keeping others at a distance or withholding care would keep me safe?

The root I keep circling back to is an avoidance to be vulnerable. I was avoiding a vulnerability that would reveal I am not the success others perceive me to be. A core vulnerability deep inside of me that behind the confident Latina you see is a person who is seeking to be loved regardless of achievement.

This is where the sabbatical really begins. When I slow down enough to let what lives inside of me to join me in dialogue. 

I now can grapple with who I am at my core, how I show up in the world, and can consciously choose who I want to evolve to be on the other side of this season of transition.

I will be honest that there is discomfort in knowing this journey of self-evolution can take a while. That’s okay because I am reconditioning my mind, body, and soul to be ready for who I need to be on the next leg of my purpose journey.

I am hopeful. If this all has surfaced within a short window of slowing down, there is more to come. That means there is more growth and evolution coming which will bring me closer to who I need to be to live out the life meant for me.

Let the quasi-sabbatical now truly begin!

Quiero saber de ti. How can you allow more time and space for your true self to emerge? What have you been avoiding sitting with? What process will help you evolve for the next leg of your purpose journey? 

Un Abrazo, 

Michelle