Shame

Querida Amiga,

Shame hit hard last week. 

I heard someone talking about the ways our school systems hurt students of color. Something about what they said had me immediately replaying my years serving in K-12 schooling. 

During those years, the talk in educator circles was the importance of teaching character. Specifically in the communities I served there was a push for traits such as resilience and grit.

I now cringe that I taught programs trying to engrain in Black and Latinx students that they needed to embrace and plan for more resilience and grit in their lives.

As a coach I am now working with people of color to remove the limiting beliefs that they are the problem. I now want people to understand that the systems forcing us to be resilient are the problem, not our tolerance for difficult situations.

The shame I was feeling comes from a core wound that gets triggered from time to time that I am not doing enough for people of color, specifically Black and Latinx folks, to be liberated. 

The voice that starts shouting in my head when I am triggered is, “You are a hypocrite. You claim to be on a journey of being anti-racist, but don’t forget you taught students they were the problem instead of fighting the system harder.”

Is there truth in my thoughts? Yes and no. 

Yes, what we were teaching students was more about them and not the realities of what was being placed on them. I didn’t see that then.

No, I don’t think I could’ve fought the system harder. I was struggling with my own resilience and grit. Dealing with day to day individual harms being done to students was taking my focus away from the bigger picture of needed systemic change. I couldn’t find time to take a breath. I was always running and tired myself.

I was struggling to survive in the system as much as the students were. Once I had the opportunity to step away, slow down, and reflect, I was able to see more clearly where change is possible. I can now see where the air we were breathing everyday was shutting us down to possibility instead of opening us up.

Was I part of the system? Yes. Is carrying the shame of not having done more then going to serve me in being a contributor to change now? No.

Sitting frozen in shame would be easier than acknowledging and grappling and growing. When I sit and allow myself to be paralyzed in shame, I do not have to work through the complexities of the situation I was in. I do not put courage behind bold new action with what I now know.

It is my responsibility to try and understand what that voice of shame is trying to protect me from. Then I will know what thought or action is wanting so badly to emerge.

When I sit with this particular feeling of shame, I feel the voice is trying to protect me from bolder action against racism and oppression. Calling myself a hypocrite keeps me silenced.

When I flip the thinking to be, “You know more now than you did then. You have, and will continue to grow, the heart, knowledge, and action that can contribute to the end of racist and oppressive systems and mindsets,” I am now standing in my power to be a part of change. I can start moving away from seeing myself as a hindrance to change. 

Standing in my power prepares me to live into my possibility and not remain frozen and “safe.”

Continuing to live in who we were can stop us from moving forward. We need to acknowledge what was, where we are now, and what steps will lead us to where we are meant to go next. 

When we change the script running through our minds, possibility has the chance to breathe and finally speak up. Rather than fixate on our past selves, we can see our true selves in this moment and who we can be moving forward. 

Quiero saber de ti. What core wound is being triggered inside of you lately? What is the triggered voice inside of you trying to protect? How do you want to rethink the narrative of that wound?

Un Abrazo, 

Michelle

P.S. The Road Ahead is open for registration! This 3-week group coaching program is a space for us to gather as Latinas to unpack 2021, acknowledge who we are in this moment, and intentionally plan for your vision of 2022.

There will be an online platform with videos and worksheets for each week. You can work through these independently when you have time. We will gather as a group on Saturdays in November to process what is coming up for you.

Before the hustle and bustle of the holiday season hits, let’s slow down together. Prioritize yourself and give yourself the space and time to turn inward and listen to how you are doing and what you need. 

Feel free to reply to this email with any questions. More details and registration can be found here.