What part(s) of you need attention this week?

Querida Amiga,

My heart has been longing to write to you for some time now. I think of you often as I sit at home pondering life, my purpose, and who I want to be in the world. I wonder what is going through your mind as you also navigate who you are and who you want to be. This year is pushing us to dream of a new world more beautiful than we have ever given ourselves time to envision. I want to connect with you and be in conversation about what we are learning about ourselves, other people, and who we want to be in the new world.

A few months ago we moved into a time of stillness. As the world around me grew quiet and I sat home in contemplation of all the sudden changes, there was a commotion in my mind and body. Thoughts were racing in my mind and I was overwhelmed. A wide variety of feelings were pushing up against one another and leaving me paralyzed. 

I could sit at my desk staring out of the window at blue skies and listen to birds chirping for an hour unfazed. Though my body was motionless and I would appear to be at peace, my mind was trying to reconcile all that was alive in my heart and mind. I had gratitude for health and guilt that others clung to life or struggled for their basic needs. There was a contradiction between my excitement for more time to produce new ideas and my body knowing I had nowhere to go and choosing to stay in bed to rest. Reconnecting with my body and leaning into ancient wisdom, gave me a path forward to emerge with a new way of being for myself. This has included a renewed dedication to daily meditation, deep breathing, body scans, reading, and reflection. I began to settle into a new routine that supported my capacity to hold the complexity of possibility in the midst of suffering and discomfort.

Then another shift rapidly unfolded in the last few weeks, we have moved from stillness to revolution. For years I have leaned into books, videos, podcasts, and deep conversations that could guide my unlearning of “truths” I have been taught. I devour these materials to try and understand various races, ethnicities, and histories. I devour these materials to remind myself of who I am and to claim my authentic self, not the person I was told I am. These years of study and reflection have prepared me to say from deep in my heart that Black Lives Matter. We need to listen to Black voices and follow their lead in this moment of our collective liberation movement. 

Though I feel that in my soul, and was speaking to family, friends, and colleagues to learn together and help some unlearn what has been sitting in their heart, the overwhelm of colliding emotions returned when a voice in my head started to say, “Who are you to speak about anti-Blackness?” 

What began as clear direction in who I wanted to be and how I would show up at this time shifted to where I was months ago. I could find myself staring out of the window in silence. I was not meditating, I was ruminating through the wide variety of feelings pushing up against one another in my head and heart. There was gratitude for friendships with revolutionary Black and Brown people who have guided and partnered with me to unlearn our oppression and learn our brilliance. Right next to gratitude was guilt. It returned just as strong, if not stronger, than before. I recalled so many of the ways I have hurt Black people with my words, actions, and silence. As I stared out the window memories rose in my consciousness of opportunities I had to drastically change systems, and I shied away and accepted a tinkering. I continue to ask myself where I need to seek forgiveness for my harm? How can my actions moving forward serve as an apology?

I wish I could end this letter saying that I have reconciled all of these emotions and have returned to inner peace. I have not. What I have been able to do is actively choose to give myself grace. I am not perfect and will never show up perfectly to stillness or to revolution. I honor my life journey with all of its faults and blessings. 

Grace is not an avoidance of harm committed or a reason to remain still. Grace is a gift to myself that provides the freedom to move forward in all my imperfection. I commit to listen, follow, speak up, and act. These actions are for a liberation movement within myself and a liberation movement bigger than myself. 

These months of internal conflict and sharp contrasts in who I am and who I want to be have reminded me that all of my internal parts are neither right nor wrong. Instead of pushing them back into my subconscious, I needed to honor and accept them. They needed me to give them light and fresh air to expand and speak to me. Once they were heard they floated away to the sound of birds chirping or rested in my heart to help me lead in this moment with love-inspired action. When I honor and accept all of who I am, without judgment, I am closer to loving myself fully. Self love sets the foundation to step into stillness or revolution as my authentic self. 

Quiero saber te ti. What has been alive for you in the last few months? Which parts of you are in sync with this moment or clashing with who you want to be? What do you need from me to find clarity of self and navigate this time?