Forming and maintaining adult friendships
I want to talk about adult friendships. It’s a topic that comes up often for me, either in conversations with clients, on Discovery calls, or just in general when folks are talking about how it can be really hard to make friends as adults.
I just spent this past weekend in Murphy's with a group of friends from my Sacramento days. It’s been at least six since I've lived in Sacramento, but we still all get together at least once a year to have these gatherings. We were reflecting on adult friendships and some of what we talked about I feel is relevant to share with you all here.
First, let me tell you the story of how I even got connected with these folks.
If you know part of my story, I used to be married and I went through a divorce. The week that I first moved out of the house, I was staying at a hotel in Sacramento while I was transitioning into what was going to be my new living space. A girlfriend called me and said, “Hey, I'm hosting a bunch of co-workers at my house. Why don't you come over and hang out?” I remember thinking, ‘I'm going through so much right now, I don't feel like I have the capacity to meet new people. And also, I don't know, these people. Do I really want to spend a Friday night with them?’
But I was sitting alone in my hotel room and thought: ‘You know, Michelle, this is the beginning of a whole new life. You have some choices to make, and right now, if you want to build new relationships in this new phase in your life, you’ve got to get up and you gotta go.’
So I went ahead and showed up at my friend's Raquel’s house with all of her co-workers. She used to work for Planned Parenthood, so this was a whole crew of other women who worked there, and I didn't know any of them. I ended up sitting on the couch next to this woman, Violetta, we ended up chit-chatting the whole evening.
At one point, she turned to look at me and said, “You're really cool. Do you want to go out after this?” So we ended up wrapping things up at my friend's house, and I took off with Vi, who I had met just that night, and we hopped around a couple of bars, met up with other people, and I had a great time with her.
And it just continued from there - continuing to intentionally join these ladies whenever they would invite me to come out, intentionally checking in, spending evenings at each other's homes, showing up for birthdays and dinners, and all the things. Even though I left Sacramento many years ago, we still regularly text each other, checking in. Now that we're older, a lot of the conversation is around parents, babies, life decisions we’re making with new jobs and new relationships.
Though it may not feel as tangible as it used to, when we lived in the same city, there's definitely been intentionality to still meet up at least once a year, pick a house go together, and deeply spend time together for a few days, catching up on all the things, knowing what each person is going through, and just having fun.
So what does all that have to do with adult friendships?
I have had clients who will say to me: “I feel alone,” or “I don't feel like the relationships in my life are supporting me with where I'm at and where I'm going.” Maybe they’re relationships that you started when you were in high school or college, and they don't feel as relevant now.
Part of this is, do you feel clearer about who you are? When we're clear on who we are, that gives us a sense of who we want to attract into our lives. And what I find is a lot of folks want friendships to show up that support them, but they don't know how to articulate what they're looking for, or what they're wanting in their life.
A lot of you know me as a one-on-one coach, I also run a program called The Chingonas’s Sabbatical, a group coaching container for Latinas, where we get together for six months and really get clear on what they want for their lives. Part of that journey is planning the actions needed to build out a purpose-driven life, which includes seeking the people who will be part of your purpose.
I remember having a private call with one of the clients from a recent cohort — she was talking about what she wanted from her life, but didn’t know how to bring the right people in. As we started exploring her history with friendships and what was going on with her, she pulled out some pain that she was still carrying from her middle school years.
She was still very much feeling connected to feelings of “when I put myself out there and talk to new people, they are not going to like me” because she had sat alone at lunch in middle school, and didn’t have many friends who stayed with her through the years. So she was struggling to believe that adult friendships would be any better than what she had experienced when she was younger. We had to unpack that past experience to be able to support her in thinking about what she wants to build intentionally with friendships moving forward.
Sometimes, this journey is about getting clear with ourselves: What do I want? What's holding me back?
And once we're clear on those: How do I want to show up? Where am I going to find these people? How will I intentionally follow up and continue to spend time with these people?
I've been on this journey all over again since moving to LA two years ago. Even though I had friends in LA that I moved here for, I also have been thinking about how to go out and make new friends. I've been showing up to mixers — sometimes by myself, sometimes with other people.
I know the type of energy that I'm looking for in friendships. I'm very clear on what I'm building in my life right now that I want people to be a part of, and I'm able to talk to folks about that. I also want to just be chill and have fun — because it doesn't always have to be about putting your purpose out there.
When I meet people, we exchange information and I’ll follow up and say that I would love for us to go do whatever we talked about — go get that coffee, go get a massage, whatever it is. If they say ‘not right now,’ that’s cool, I'll circle back in a couple of weeks or in a month. And sometimes that turns into me starting to see people on a regular basis. Sometimes it falls off and we don't continue talking. But that's okay.
Out of those maybe five connections I’ve made, if I find one really great relationship that I can add to my group of friends, then I'm super happy to have built that.
So where does this all go with coaching?
In The Chingona’s Sabbatical specifically, this week, we have a guest speaker, Karina Davies, coming in and sharing what it looks like to find values-aligned and purpose-supporting relationships.
We’ve done the foundational work of getting clear on our purpose, so she is going to talk us through who are the people that we need in our lives to support us, so that we can build toward a life that’s meant for us. And when we’re very clear on our values, how do we make sure that we are using boundaries and guideposts for who gets to come into our lives and get access to our energy and time?
Friendships don't have to just be the folks you met in middle school, the folks you met in high school and they stay with you forever. As you grow and evolve, let new friendships come in and grow and evolve with you.
It can be scary to put yourself out there but it can also be so rewarding. I showed up to an event 10 years ago by myself in the midst of a divorce, and I was able to make a friend that grew my participation in a friend group that has been going strong for now 10 years. It's a blessing and I'm so grateful that I put myself out there and that I've intentionally continued to build with these folks.
Where can you get clear on who you are? Put yourself out there and intentionally build with other folks.
